Have you ever noticed how quickly someone else's behaviour can knock you off course?

One moment you feel composed and focused. The next, someone's tone, reaction or comment takes your day in a direction you never intended.

Most people try to manage the situation or the other person. In doing so, they lose control of themselves.

During my tenure in the Royal Marines, I learned a different truth:

You cannot control the world around you, but you can always control how you respond to it.

That principle kept us effective under pressure. Now, as a mentor and coach at Ethos – Empowering Growth, I see how powerful it becomes when leaders apply it in everyday working life.

 

What the Military Taught Me About Control

Military life teaches you the same lesson repeatedly.

Reality does not bend to your mood, preference or plan.

The weather will not make allowances. The terrain will not smooth itself out. Other people will not adjust their behaviour to suit your expectations.

You can resist reality if you want to, but it changes nothing. It only drains energy and clouds judgement.

The Royal Marines taught me to accept what is happening quickly, observe it without emotion, and place our attention on what we can influence.

That same mindset is just as valuable in an office, on a project team, or in any environment where people are under pressure.

 

The RIC Method

Reality – Influence – Control

Over the years I found that every challenge, regardless of environment, falls into three simple categories. This is the basis of the RIC Method.

 

Reality

What is happening around you.

This includes:

  • Other people's behaviour
  • Organisational decisions
  • Changing priorities
  • Pressures and deadlines
  • Emotional reactions and workplace politics

You cannot control Reality. Trying to do so only leads to frustration and overthinking.

Leadership begins with accepting the situation as it is.

 

Influence

Where you can shape the situation but not dictate it.

You influence through:

  • Clear communication
  • Assertive but respectful behaviour
  • Building relationships
  • Offering solutions
  • Setting expectations
  • Managing your presence and tone

Influence allows you to guide, not force, an outcome.

It is where leadership starts to make a practical difference.

 

Control

What belongs entirely to you.

This includes:

  • Your response
  • Your internal state
  • Your professionalism
  • Your boundaries
  • Your behaviour under pressure
  • The example you set
  • The story you tell yourself about what is happening

Control is the only zone that is fully yours. It is also the zone that defines your leadership.

Leading others becomes far easier when you can lead yourself first

 

Why the RIC Method Works

When people feel stressed or under pressure, the brain tends to shift from logic to emotion. You see it through reactive comments, defensiveness, impatience and poor decision making.

The RIC Method stops that drift.

It gives you a quick mental checklist:

  • Is this Reality?
  • Is this Influence?
  •  Is this Control?

That single moment of clarity is often enough to bring you back into composed, deliberate leadership.

 

Using the RIC Method at Work

Here are some examples of how it helps leaders stay grounded while others do not.

 

When your manager is sharp with you

Reality: Their tone - Influence: Your calm, clear communication - Control: Your internal response

Leadership action: I will stay steady, not reactive.

 

When a colleague speaks over you

Reality: It happened - Influence: Addressing it assertively and professionally - Control: Your composure

Leadership action: I respond with clarity, not irritation.

 

When someone dismisses your idea

Reality: Their opinion - Influence: How you explain or refine your thinking- Control: Your confidence

Leadership action: One reaction will not define my direction

 

When you feel overlooked

Reality: The decision - Influence: Your visibility and communication - Control: Your next step

Leadership action: I stay focused on development, not disappointment.

 

A Simple Exercise to Try Today

Before reacting to any challenge, pause and ask yourself:

  • Which part of this is Reality
  • Which part can I Influence
  • Which part is within my Control

Then place your energy into the correct zone. It is remarkable how quickly your clarity improves.

 

The Real Transformation

Decades of experience, both in uniform and as a coach, have shown me the same truth:

• Most behaviour is driven by stress, pressure or personal history • Very little is ever truly personal • The strongest leaders are grounded, not reactive • Control always begins internally, not externally

When you stop trying to control the things that were never yours, you regain authority over the things that always were.

Your response. Your standards. Your conduct.

And that is where leadership truly lives.

Because the hardest part of leadership is not leading others. It is leading yourself first.